Ney/Nem Pronouns and Inclusive Language (Blog)
Introduction
It’s your friendly non-binary author here to talk to you today about my own pronouns (ney/nem/nir) and the importance of using inclusive language in building safer spaces!
Understanding Pronouns
Pronouns are words that we often use instead of saying someone’s name. Pronouns are a way to show respect, to honour each individual’s dignity, and to create an inclusive environment. Within the English language, there are many different types of pronouns. The most common ones are she/her, he/him, and they/them. Some people may not use any pronouns at all (null pronouns), or might use multi/mixed pronouns (e.g. she/they, they/he, they/ney). No matter what pronouns someone uses, they are completely valid and deserve to be respected.
The term “neopronouns” tends to refer to pronoun sets developed somewhere between the 19th/20th century to today. Neopronouns are any set of third-person pronouns that were created or adapted within the language, rather than evolving with it (as they/them pronouns evolved). Common examples of neopronouns include ey/em, ze/zir, fae/faer, and ney/nem.
Personally, I use neopronouns because I find that neopronouns express something unique about myself and my experience of gender, and that my pronouns just feel more “right” than anything else that has been used for me. For example, when people use she/her pronouns for me, it feels like being dropped into a pit of boiling lava – that every part about myself is on fire and in pain. It just feels wrong. When people use he/him pronouns for me, it feels as though I am laying on a bed of nails – so it’s not a particularly comfortable experience. When people use they/them pronouns for me, it’s like I’m laying on the floor – it’s not lava or nails, so a definite improvement, but still not quite right. But when people use my actual pronouns, ney/nem, it feels as though I am laying on my comfortable bed, wrapped in my fuzzy blanket with my cat purring on top of me – the most warming, validating, and affirming experience. This is because my neopronouns feel more “right” than anything else – ney/nem is who I am.
Ney/Nem Pronouns
The ne(y)/nem pronoun set appeared around 1850 as a result of a heated debate on how using “he or she” in sentences was “clumsy”. The “n” stands for neutral. Some individuals include a “y” on the end of ne(y) – I personally do because this makes “ney” look more like “they” – while others don’t.
One trick to learning how to use ney/nem pronouns can include thinking about how you would use they/them, and then replacing the “th” with “n”. Here are some sample sentences of how you could use ney/nem pronouns:
“Ney laughed at the thought of joining the swim competition. Ney weren’t athletic at all!”
“I left work feeling super frustrated, wanting to vent to someone. Knowing my best friend would understand what I was going through, I called nem, knowing that ney had gone through a similar experience nemself!”
“Nir hands moved rapidly across the piano as ney practiced. Nir concert was tomorrow, and ney could feeling nir anxiety growing.”
“Looking through the cupboard, I found a pack of cookies. I asked my roommate if the cookies were nirs, and ney nodded, but said I could have one.”
*Note: some people may use “nemself” while others may use “nirself”. Either is correct, so just make sure to check in with the person on which ney use!
*Note: these pronouns are pronounced as “neigh”, “neh-m”, “near”, “nehm-self”.
The Importance of Language
“Hi ladies, what can I get for you today?”
“Have a great day, ma’am!”
“It was super nice catching up with her at the mall!”
“Good morning guys!”
Gendered language is such an intrinsic part of society that many people do not even notice when they are using it. We frequently assume the gender of another person based on their appearance – from there, we assign pronouns (“she” or “he”), salutations (“Ms” or “Mr”), and other gendered titles.
I am a non-binary person. This means that I do not identify as a woman or a man – I am neither. Sometimes, I feel as though I don’t have a gender at all – other times, I know that I have a gender – my gender is just outside of the binary of what people tell me I should be. Because fundamentally, our gender is who we know ourselves to be – not what other people assume.
Despite the fact that I am non-binary, I am continually subjected to the gender binary within my everyday life. The above examples are common phrases that I run into – when I’m getting lunch, shopping at the grocery store, picking up a hot chocolate, or gathering with a group of people. Gendered language, for many people, can be as common as breathing.
For me as a non-binary person, every time I hear this gendered language, it ranges from making me uncomfortable to making me feel actively unsafe. This is even more true when the person knows that I am non-binary (such as a friend, teacher, or coworker) – compared to a complete stranger. Gendered language tells me that I am not seen as my true self. Gendered language erases me as a non-binary person. Gendered language tells me that the person I am talking to has not taken the steps to educate themselves – or worse, they are purposefully using gendered language to be exclusionary and to harm trans and gender diverse individuals.
This is why it is more vital than ever to make intentional choices about how we use language. There are many simple alternatives to gendered language. Instead of “hey guys”, or “good morning ladies and gentlemen” – try “hi folks!”, or simply “good morning!” Rather than “can I help you, ma’am” – say “can I help you”. Rather than thinking about everyone within the binary of a “woman” or “man”, let’s each challenge ourselves to recognize the many diverse ways of being – and give people the space to claim the term(s) that feel right for them.
When We Make Mistakes
Misgendering is when we refer to someone (typically with a word or a pronoun) in a way that does not accurately reflect their gender. Regardless of whether misgendering was intentional or not, it is harmful – because intent is different from impact. Misgendering often comes from people making assumptions about us based on how they perceive us. This is harmful in so many ways – first in suggesting that you have to present in a certain way to be respected, and also because we shouldn’t make assumptions (you wouldn’t look at someone and say: “Oh, that person’s name is definitely Bob”, now would you?). Fundamentally, misgendering tells those of us in the trans community that you are not a safe person.
With that said, how you react when you make a mistake is key – it can either make the experience worse, or less harmful. Here are some key “do’s and don’ts”.
Do…
If you mess up, correct yourself by repeating the sentence with the right pronoun: move on.
Step in and correct others (after checking in with the trans person)
If you are corrected, just say “thanks” – try to avoid apologizing
If you mess up, acknowledge what you did (even if it’s afterwards)
Take steps to do better – practice!
Don’t…
Make excuses, make it about you, or blame the person who was misgendered for your mistake
Give a long, drawn-out explanation (this is uncomfortable!)
Get angry or upset if/when someone corrects you
Expect someone to correct you – this is emotional labour
Brush it off or pretend that it doesn’t matter
Conclusion
Such small changes – in the language we use, and in how we refer to people – makes a big difference in creating safer spaces. It lets non-binary and trans folks such as myself know that we are valued and loved for who we are. It encourages other folks to step up as allies and to educate themselves. And it helps foster a culture of mutual respect, learning, and understanding.
If you are interested in learning more about pronouns, I invite you to check out my recently published book, A Pocket Guide to Pronouns, which discusses various types of pronouns (featuring short stories), some tips around pronoun etiquette and misgendering, and provides resources for further learning. You can also sign up for my mailing list to receive monthly newsletters with blogs and other resources for learning, and/or follow me on social media (Facebook, Instagram, Twitter) @sydneybcoyle.
