Apologies: How, When, and Why? (Blog)
Introduction
An apology is defined as “an admission of error or discourtesy accompanied by an expression of regret. Apologies are becoming increasingly common within our society, especially for Canadians – we often apologize even when someone bumps into us at the grocery store (i.e. when we didn’t make the mistake). When apologies become so common, even in instances where they aren’t needed (for example, when someone else bumps into you at the grocery store), they end up losing their meaning. People believe that an apology is as simple as “sorry” – but a true apology should be much more than that. True apologies should include an acknowledgement of the harm, should center the person harmed, should not include a goal of forgiveness, and should have a commitment to changed behaviour.
Was the Harm Acknowledged?
Acknowledgement is defined as “the act of acknowledging (i.e. recognizing) something or someone”. We see acknowledgements most commonly in land acknowledgements, which have become central to social justice gatherings, events, workplaces, universities, and in many other spaces. However, acknowledgement without action is just pretty words. Land acknowledgements without action are harmful – it essentially “relieves the speaker and the audience of the responsibility to think about Indigenous peoples.” It turns into performative words over commitments to action.
“I’m sorry you feel that way.”
This example fails to take acknowledgement. But even more harmful, is that it places the onus back on the person who has been harmed and essentially gaslights them into believing that it was their fault – that perhaps they were too sensitive, they misinterpreted things, or that they are otherwise to blame for their feelings. This ends the argument or discussion by using apology language without actually admitting fault.
“I didn’t know, so it’s not my fault.”
It is okay to not know things. It would be impossible to know everything, to go through life without ever making a mistake. What isn’t okay is to use that as an excuse to cause harm – or to fail to acknowledge when you have caused harm. Ignorance, whether intentional or not, is our responsibility – as in, when we realize we didn’t know something and this lack of knowledge caused harm, we need to ensure it doesn’t happen again. As Dr. Maya Angelou said, “when you know better, do better”.
“I’m sorry for how things went.”
This ends up placing the blame on a third party. While this is less harmful than gaslighting the person into believing what happened was their fault, this is still harmful – again, because one fails to acknowledge or take accountability for their part in the harm, and also suggests that there were “other factors” at play for the harm.
“I feel bad, but it could have been much worse if . . .”
Please do not EVER suggest that “things could be worse” or that “other people have it worse”. This is incredibly invalidating. This isn’t the Olympics – the ways in which someone experiences harm should not be compared to another person. Two people can experience the exact same event very differently. When we assess events and decide who is more “deserving” of support (or apologies), we belittle and invalidate people’s feelings and experiences. This is also known as comparative suffering, and has serious negative consequences for individuals and communities.
“I didn’t intend to hurt you.”
Intent is different from impact. I’m going to say it again, and keep shouting it from the rooftops – INTENT IS DIFFERENT FROM IMPACT. Most people don’t intend to cause harm – but that doesn’t change how it impacts the person on the receiving end. Your intention, quite frankly, doesn’t matter. Harm has occurred, and needs to be addressed.
In each of the above examples of “apologies”, there is a lack of acknowledgement of the harm. Without doing the bare minimum of acknowledging that harm has occurred (and often trying to shift blame away from oneself onto the person harmed, onto other forces, reducing blame based on intention, and similar), an apology is not present. Sure, the word “sorry” might be part of it, but it is not a true apology – because there is no acknowledgement.
Apologies must always start with an acknowledgement that harm has occurred. This is about bearing witness and validating that yes, harm has happened – and what happened was not okay.
Who is Centered in the Apology?
Another common problem with apologies is that they end up centering the wrong person. The person apologizing may try to make excuses, may try to explain their thought process, or justify why they said/did that harmful thing. Blaming yourself or turning yourself into a martyr helps no one.
Whenever I am facilitating pronoun training programs, I talk about some of the “do’s and don’ts” of misgendering (there is also a chapter specifically diving into pronoun etiquette and response to misgendering in my book, A Pocket Guide to Pronouns). In particular, I discuss how apologies when misgendering occurs often do more harm than good – because they turn into a long, drawn out explanation or “justification” that end up centering the person who made the mistake, rather than the person who was harmed. For example:
“She really likes – oh my God I mean ney, I’m so sorry, I just don’t have it down yet, you need to give me time, I mean, I’m getting it, I promise, it’s just so hard sometimes, and I don’t even know where that came from, and I’m so sorry, I really didn’t mean to, you just have to go easy on me, I’ve never done this before, it’s just, I’m getting it, it won’t happen again, it’s just hard, you get it, right?”
If you are trans, you might read this chuckling and/or rolling your eyes – because most of us have heard some version of this before. If you are cisgender, you might have read this and flushed because you said some version of this. This response is so common. Which is understandable to some degree – when we realize in the moment that we made a mistake (for example, misgendered someone), we want to acknowledge that mistake. Acknowledging isn’t the problem (in fact, it is crucial for an apology). The problem arises when the person apologizing centers themselves.
In the above example, we see a lot of excuses: “I just don’t have it down yet”, “you need to give me time”, “I didn’t mean to”, “it’s just hard”. We see a lot of the person turning themselves into a martyr – that they are working SO hard, and therefore the trans person (or the person harmed) shouldn’t be upset. We see them fishing for sympathy: “you get it, right?”
This places us (as the person who was harmed) in the position of having to set aside our own feelings in order to reassure the person who has just harmed us. We may want to make them feel better, to affirm that they are trying, that we know it wasn’t their intent to harm us. Thus, they are centered – rather than the person who was harmed and the impact the harm had. We have to engage in additional emotional labour of reassuring and affirming the person, and not make them feel (more) guilty for having done harm.
Apologies must always center the person who has been harmed, not the one who has done the harming. It is also crucial for the person apologizing to accept personal responsibility, rather than making excuses.
Is There an Expectation of Forgiveness?
Along the same lines of the wrong person being centered, there is an expectation that, once someone apologizes, you should forgive them. In fact, it is almost socially unacceptable to “hold a grudge” or to not accept their apology. This leads into one of the common social norms – when someone asks us “how are you?” we typically respond “good”, because that is the expected response. Similarly, when someone apologizes to us, we often respond with “it’s all good”, “it’s okay”, or “no problem”.
However, the problem with these statements is not necessarily that this automatically assumes forgiveness – but that they dismiss the harm that has occurred. For instance, if someone misgenders me, it’s not “okay”. It’s not “all good”. Harm has occurred, yet continually people are expected to set aside that harm – and their own feelings – to reassure the person who has done the harm.
When there is an expectation of forgiveness, the apology immediately becomes less genuine. Instead, it becomes transactional – someone apologizes, the other responds with forgiveness. We believe that forgiveness is the healing power for the uncomfortableness that we feel with guilt – the guilt that comes with the knowledge that we have harmed someone. Thus, if someone forgives us, we don’t have to feel guilty anymore.
But, guilt is an opportunity for introspection. It is not a burden to be lifted by someone else. It is up to the person who has done harm to work through that guilt by taking accountability, apologizing, and committing to changing their behaviour.
Someone may feel guilty or angry if they did not receive forgiveness after apologizing. But remember that it is never the responsibility of the person who has been harmed to forgive. Some may, some may not. Each person reacts to harm differently – how they feel and how they choose to approach healing is valid.
Apologies should not come with the expectation of forgiveness. Instead, focus on healing and supporting those who have been harmed. Apologize without having forgiveness as the goal – instead, having healing as the goal (regardless of whether forgiveness is granted). And remember that it is up to the person who has been harmed to determine what healing looks like for them.
Have They Committed to Change Their Behaviour?
The thing that is most often missed from apologies is a commitment to change the behaviour that caused harm. Instead, an apology without this commitment is simply a band-aid – it does nothing to prevent future wounds and harm from happening.
Fundamentally, the best apology is changed behaviour. If someone apologizes, but continues to do the same thing over and over again, the apology is meaningless and might as well not exist. Continuing to exhibit this harmful behaviour demonstrates that one does not care about harming the person and/or does not believe their behaviour is harmful.
In my pronoun training programs and in my book, I discuss the concept of what people are actually saying when they misgender someone. If someone is intentionally choosing to use the wrong pronouns for someone (or intentionally choosing not to practice or make an effort), they are essentially saying:
“I’m okay with hurting you.”
“You are not the expert on yourself – I know you better.”
“I am okay with teaching everyone else to disrespect you.”
“Your safety does not matter to me.”
“I’m not willing to put in the work to be an actual ally.”
The above examples are also true for apologies without commitment to changed action. Without working to make amends and to prevent future harm from happening, apologies are meaningless, and end up being more about assuaging one’s own guilt than supporting the person who has been harmed.
An apology should include an explicit naming of the problematic behaviour, taking ownership, and providing concrete examples of how they will change their behaviour in the future.
When and How to Apologize?
People often wonder when they should apologize. The answer is fairly simple – you should apologize when you become aware that your behaviour has hurt someone. Importantly, you don’t get to decide if someone else is hurt. This is especially true for individuals in equity-deserving communities. If you are able-bodied, you don’t get to decide whether or not something was ableist; if you are cisgender, you don’t get to decide if it was transphobia, if you are white, you don’t get to decide that it wasn’t racist, etc. When you become aware that your behaviour has caused harm (even if that wasn’t your “intention”), you need to apologize.
It is also important to remember that the purpose of an apology is not to restore trust when trust has been broken. An apology does not erase the harm that has been caused, nor does it immediately restore a relationship or trust. Instead, a true apology is a way of showing other people that they are committing to work to regain that trust and rebuild that relationship.
With all of that being said, here is an example of how to give a true apology. Since I have given several examples in relation to misgendering, I’ll continue with that same train of thought.
“I realized that I made a mistake with your pronouns. I’m really sorry – I know this is harmful and it’s not okay – that’s totally on me. I want you to know that I’m going to do some more work on practicing – I found a really great website that I can use to get better. No pressure to respond or anything. But please let me know if there’s anything else I can do to support you.”
Obviously, this won’t work in every situation, and it’s important not to memorize a “template” apology. You want to make it personal to you and unique and appropriate for each situation. This is just to provide an example of what a true apology could look like.
Conclusion
Apologies, when done correctly, have the power to create positive change, to heal wounds of harm, and to ensure individual and community accountability. Just as with anything, it is important to be conscious of the language we are using, and ensure we are centering the person who has been harmed.
Here are some additional helpful resources on apologizing:
https://youthrex.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/02/Anatomy-of-An-Apology-Rania-El-Mugammar.pdf
https://www.makinwellness.com/an-apology-without-change-is-manipulation/
Interested in learning more about how to be an advocate, ally, and accomplice? Check out training programs available through Rainbow Allyship.
