An Open Letter on Man vs. Bear
Okay, so I’ve seen a lot of people commenting on this whole ‘man vs. bear’ thing, and I decided that it was time for me to weigh in.
For a bit of background – there is currently a social media trend asking women (and by extension, trans and gender diverse folks) if they’d rather be trapped in the woods with a man or a bear. Many are choosing the bear, stating that a man may pose more potential danger than the wild animal.
Now, before I share my thoughts, I first want to locate myself and my positionality. I am a nonbinary person, but I am still often read as feminine when I go out in public. I was also assigned female at birth, and thus was raised under and exposed to the assumptions often placed on those who are raised as women.
As someone who has experienced violence and oppression on the basis of my gender, I would absolutely choose the bear – and here’s why.
A bear didn’t chase me through the park and up to the doors of my school when I was 16 years old – nor did a bear blame me for this incident by asking “what I was doing out so late at night” (it was 5:30pm) and “what was I wearing” (that was the cop who took my report).
A bear didn’t almost hit me with his truck while I was walking home from getting groceries, and then shout out the window that I was “so hot I distracted him”.
A bear didn’t yell homophobic slurs out the window of his vehicle as he drove by (which has happened several times in the last couple of years).
This is the reality for women and trans and gender diverse (TGD) individuals – including cisgender and transgender women, nonbinary and gender diverse individuals, and some transgender men. This is the reality of the fact that we live under a cisheteronormative and patriarchal system that exclusively prioritizes cisgender men. Just look at some of the comments that have been shared as part of this conversation.
Women and TGD people have to deal with constantly internally calculating questions about safety. Every time I go out in public, I am hyper aware of my surroundings – who is around me, who could be safe people and allies, who could be dangerous people, where are safe places I could go. I keep my phone close to me; I hold my keys so I could use these as a potential weapon, and I rarely (if ever) go walking alone after dark.
I don’t smile at men because too many of them take that as ‘flirting’ or ‘invitation’. Instead, I make direct eye contact so that they know that I’m aware of my surroundings and aware of their presence. However, the fact that I don’t smile makes certain men angry – thus, I (and many women and TGD individuals) are damned if we do, damned if we don’t).
In the midst of this discussion, I came across a reddit post from a cisgender man who was furious about the fact that, when hiking in the woods, women don’t smile at him and see him as a threat. He claimed that he was being oppressed and victimized by the fact that women don’t smile at him. It reminded me of the classic quote: “men are afraid women won’t smile at them – women are afraid men will kill them.”
To come back to the whole ‘man vs bear’ dialogue, the reality is that so many women and TGD folks will choose the bear, because the bear – in a lot of ways – is predictable, not to mention that bear attacks are rare (and even more rarely are they fatal – source).
In Canada, there were 140 reported cases of bear attacks between 1982 and 2018, which resulted in 17 fatalities.
In 2022, there were 26 total bear attacks, with 4 resulting in fatalities.
The chances of being attacked by a bear are so incredibly low – not to mention that predatory and deliberate bear attacks (often resulting in fatalities) are even less common. Most attacks happened because a) the bear was startled, or b) the person got too close to the cubs and pissed off mama bear). Thus, in most instances, if you leave the bear alone, it’ll leave you alone.
On the other hand, here’s the reality when we are looking at the rates of human-against-human violence (source 1, source 2, source 3, source 4).
Approximately 30% of all women have experienced sexual assault, while 40% have experienced intimate partner violence.
Indigenous women are 3x more likely to experience sexual assault.
Sexual minority (queer) individuals are 6x more likely to be sexually assaulted.
Disabled individuals are 2x more likely to experience sexual assault.
Within the trans community, 54% of TGD folks experience domestic violence and 47% experience sexual assault within their lifetimes.
97% of those accused of sexual violence are men.
When you look at the contrast between the statistics of bear attacks , it’s completely understandable that I (and so many other women and TGD folks) would choose the bear. And we will continue to be forced to choose the bear until we dismantle the cisheteronormative patriarchal system that promotes this violence.
So, how do we change this narrative?
For women and TGD folks – we need to keep each other safe, look out for each other, and STOP victim blaming or comparing traumas.
For (cisgender) men – remember that women and TGD folks speaking out about our experiences are NOT oppressive towards men. Take away those hurt feelings, or the guilt you may be feeling; because this prevents you from taking action.
How can we all take action?
Call out systems of oppression and hold people (especially governments, social service organizations, and businesses) accountable when they commit harmful behaviours.
Call in friends and family when they make harmful comments (whether it is an offhand ‘joke’ or microaggression). Don’t let this slide.
Build safe(r) spaces where people can gather in community and solidarity to share their lived experiences (particularly women and TGD folks) and hold one another accountable for the ways that each of us (knowingly and unknowingly) contribute to harmful systems of violence.
Educate yourself about the realities of those who have experienced violence. Listen to learn and to understand.
When you have done harm, apologize. Ensure that your apology is done meaningfully so that it doesn’t cause further harm (check out my recent blog that discusses apologies more in depth).
Violence has been passed down through the generations, resulting in an intergenerational cycle of violence and trauma. It is up to each of us (especially allied men) to work to challenge and change this cycle of violence in the hopes that, maybe one day, future generations can look back on this moment in history and question: “why would anyone choose a bear?”
