Reacting to Anti-Queer Microaggressions (Blog)
Introduction
Microaggressions are defined as the everyday, subtle, intentional — and oftentimes unintentional — interactions or behaviors that communicate some sort of bias toward minoritized groups. While the term “micro” makes these seem minor, microaggressions are quite harmful as they contribute to harmful stereotypes and misinformation about 2SLGBTQIA+ folks, while invalidating the experiences and voices of queer and trans people. In honour of the International Day Against Homophobia, Transphobia, and Biphobia (May 17), I wanted to break down my reaction to and thoughts about different types of microaggressions that I’ve heard, both as a way to help debunk myths and discuss why these are harmful.
Disclaimer
These are my honest internal reactions when I hear these microaggressions (i.e. this is what I say to myself internally in response). Thus, a lot of these responses will likely seem angry and/or sarcastic – because they are!
I want to note that I rarely (if ever) actually respond in this way in the moment when the microaggression(s) take place. This is due to the fact that I have to consider my safety – many people do get angry or defensive when they are called in/out for making a mistake. As a result, like many others who experience microaggressions, I end up tone policing how I respond to this microaggression. I aim to be educational, but not too combative, frustrated, or emotional. This is one of the definitions of emotional labour – censoring my own feelings as a way to cater to the feelings of the person who has just harmed me. This ultimately ends up making the harm worse, because my feelings are not held.
As you are reading this, if you have ever said one of these microaggressions (or similar), you might find yourself getting defensive, or feeling guilty. If that is the case, I invite you to pause, take a breath, and reflect on why. It is a natural reaction to want to defend ourselves. We don’t want to admit when we are wrong, or that we’ve made a mistake – it feels uncomfortable. But that feeling of being uncomfortable is where the most growth happens; when we challenge ourselves to take a step further, resist that guilty or defensive response, and open ourselves up to learning. Thus, I have opened myself up by sharing my actual reactions in the hopes of helping people better understand how these types of comments are harmful, while also giving people the tools to debunk these if you witness such microaggressions.
My Reactions to Microaggressions
“So, what was your coming out experience like? How did your parents react?”
Oh look, it’s the same question that I get asked SO many times once I tell people that I’m queer. It boggles my mind how people think that this is an OK thing to ask. I mean, my personal coming out story was mostly good, and my parents are great – but that is not the case for a lot of queer people, many of whom have traumatic and difficult stories of coming out, and facing family rejection. This is a deeply personal thing, and yet so many literal strangers ask me this. Just why? It’s none of your business.
“OMG, you’re queer! My [sibling/cousin/friend] is queer too – do you know them?”
This may be hard to believe, but I don’t know every queer person in the world. I know – so shocking. No, I’m not interested in being set up with this person. No, not every queer person has dated each other or wants to date each other. Yeah, queer communities can be small, but expecting me to know someone else – who may literally live on the other side of the country – just because they are queer? Do I ask you if you know my aunt because you’re a woman?
“I wish that I could be queer.”
You should really read my open letter on why you shouldn’t say that. Because I can guarantee that you think being queer is all about pride and parades – yay! – when in reality, it’s also about protest, worrying about our rights being taken away, and continually being subjected to homophobic and transphobic BS. Super fun, right?
“How do you know that you’re queer? I mean, you’ve never really been in a relationship with a man, so you don’t know that you’re not into men.”
Well, by that same logic, Karen, how do you know you’re not a lesbian if you’ve never been in a relationship with a woman? I mean, seriously? This is one of the oldest microaggressions and it is STILL in use. When are people going to understand that attraction is different from action? Oh, and who the hell are you to claim that you know me better than I know myself?
“You think that you’re asexual? Yeah, that’s probably a trauma response or you just haven’t met the right person yet. No person is actually asexual.”
Geez, I’m sensing a theme here of you making assumptions that you know me better than I know me – almost like you shouldn’t do that. And seriously, that is downright insulting and acephobic to suggest that my asexuality is a trauma response. Your heterosexuality is a trauma response! You hear how ridiculous that sounds? Guess what – people CAN be asexual and I’m one of them. Yup, no sexual attraction here. So it doesn’t matter if I meet the so-called ‘right person’ – I’m just not interested. No thank you.
“Back in the day there was just gay or straight. Why do you have to make everything so confusing?”
Oh honey, there has always been queerness and transness. There’s gay pirates who had equal marriage for heaven’s sake. Sure, language has evolved, but queer and trans people have always been here. And yeah, gender and sexuality is meant to be confusing, because that encourages us to break outside of the norms that society tells us in order to find who we actually are.
“Oh, you’re trans? So what washroom do you use?”
HOW IS THIS YOUR BUSINESS? Oh wait, it’s not – unless you’re trying to ask if you should put in a gender-neutral washroom at your organization – in which case, the answer is yes. Just do it – no need to ask about my washroom habits! That’s weird and frankly, rather creepy.
“You’re non-binary? But how are you going to transition – like, is that even an option for people like you? Don’t you have to make up your mind?”
Unless you’re asking me to make up my mind about what ice cream flavour I want, there’s nothing I need to make up my mind about, as that is literally counter to the idea of non-binary – you know, being NOT in the binary of man and woman? I know myself as non-binary, period. Just because you don’t personally understand it doesn’t make it my problem. But yes, there are options for transition for people of all gender experiences and expression, and that’s all I’m going to say, because how or if I transition is my personal journey, and frankly, none of your business.
“Being non-binary is like, super trendy right now.”
Oh yeah, being continually disrespected, misgendered, invalidated – that’s super trendy now. I just love going through my life shuddering every time I hear feminine language (which is WAY too common) – all for a trend, or for ‘attention’.
“Non-binary isn’t a real thing. There’s either man or woman, period.”
Yeah, okay. And there’s only day or night – sunset or sunrise? That’s just ‘woke’ nonsense. There’s only land or sea – no marshes or anything like that! It’s almost like nothing in nature is binary (look at a platypus!), so humans can also be outside of the little tiny boxes that you try to impose. Imagine that!
“What are your preferred pronouns?”
Do you know what a preference is? A preference is putting a bowl of pasta and a plate of pizza in front of me and asking what I prefer. My pronouns are not a preference. You don’t get to choose when it’s convenient for you to use my correct pronouns. It should be mandatory because it is the literal bare minimum of respect.
“I don’t really understand ‘ney’ pronouns, is it okay if I just use they/them pronouns?”
No, it’s not okay. Would it be okay if I said “I don’t really get ‘he’ pronouns, can I use ‘she’ instead?” Or didn’t bother to learn someone’s name, instead making up a nickname for them without consulting them? It’s the same idea. My pronouns are ney/nem, period. Yes, using they/them pronouns for me is less painful than binary pronouns like ‘she’ or ‘he’, but it is still misgendering because those are not my pronouns. So you basically told me that you don’t actually care about me, my feelings, or showing the bare minimum amount of respect.
“Neopronouns aren’t real pronouns, they’re just made up. You’re just trying to be special.”
Wow – it’s almost like every word in existence has been made up by someone at some time – including ‘she’ and ‘he’ pronouns! So guess what; neopronouns are just as real (and valid) as other pronouns. And no, I’m not trying to be special. Believe me, I would love to go through just a week without having to explain my pronouns – I literally wrote a book about pronouns because I explain this SO much. But these are the only pronouns that feel right and authentic for me.
“Why do you have to use terminology? Labels are for jars, not people.”
You know, I came across this really neat term in a book recently called hermeneutical justice, which basically talks about how minoritized communities (like queer people) lack language to describe who we are and our experiences – and that this is a deliberate act from society to keep us from being able to claim terms for ourselves or to connect with others who are like us. Your suggestion that ‘labels are for jars’ clearly suggests to me that you have always been able to find language that resonates with you, people who reflect your experience. The rest of us had to go searching for it, trying to find the words to describe our feelings and who we are. And when we did find those terms, the relief in knowing that we are not alone, that there are others like us – that’s indescribable.
“I just don’t ‘get’ the whole queer thing.”
Well, the good news is that you don’t have to ‘get’ something. There’s a lot of things that I don’t ‘get’ in this world – sports, most languages, geography. These aren’t my strong suits, and if you asked me a question about any of these, I would probably stare at you blankly. BUT, just because I don’t personally understand it doesn’t mean that I can disrespect it. Some people love sports. Some people can speak multiple languages. Some people can pinpoint a country on a world map in less than 10 seconds. I respect them for their passion, and, if they want to share some of that with me, I’m willing to learn. It’s frustrating when people constantly say this to me. I don’t care if they don’t understand the intricacies of gender and sexuality – hell, I’m still learning things. I care that they show basic respect, honour people’s dignity, and that they are willing to educate themselves. By saying “I don’t get it”, that’s basically like shrugging, giving up, and saying: “It doesn’t matter.”
“Do you have to be so obvious about being queer? It feels like you’re just pushing it in our faces.”
Well, what exactly do you mean by obvious? Is it the fact that I unapologetically wear rainbow things, have buttons with social justice messaging, have pride flags hung in my home, or the fact that I used to have rainbow hair? Is it the pronoun necklace? Yeah, you’re actually right. I do make it obvious, partially because I love rainbows and love decorating my space (and myself) in ways that feel affirming for me. But more importantly, I do so as a clear signal to other queer and trans people that they are not alone. I’ve been the only out queer in far too many spaces, just looking around to see if anyone else had pronouns on their nametag, or even a rainbow button. And it is so isolating because, without that visible affirmation, I don’t feel safe. So yeah, I’m obvious and proud about it. And if you feel like the presence of rainbows is ‘pushing it in your face’, then maybe you need to do some internal work to deconstruct those cisheteronormative beliefs that you clearly are still internalizing.
Conclusion
Those are my reactions and my thoughts to these microaggressions – now what? Where do we take this knowledge and how do we help?
You Committed a Microaggression… Now What?
Recognize – own up to your mistake and listen attentively. Everyone has committed microaggressions, consciously or not. When someone confronts you on your behavior, don’t be defensive.
Apologize – acknowledge the impact and harm. Don’t make excuses. For example: “Thank you for sharing that with me. I appreciate you trust me enough to share this. I am sorry that what I did was harmful.” For more tips on making a genuine apology, check out this blog.
Educate – seek to educate yourself. No one is immune from inheriting biases. Examine your own biases. Be mindful of subtle messages, as well as where, when, and how you ask questions about someone’s identity.
You Witnessed a Microaggression… Now What?
Disarm – as I mentioned at the beginning of the blog, the first instinct when someone commits a microaggression is to be defensive. If you start the conversation by opening up and being vulnerable, this can help disarm the automatic defensiveness and open up an opportunity for education. For example: “I used to believe things like that too… I’ve since learned that…” This openness can help create a dialogue.
Defy – a lot of microaggressions can be intentionally vague, because people generally don’t “come out” as being bigoted. You can help defy this by pushing people to clarify what they meant (this is particularly helpful when someone commits a microaggression but tries to pass it off as a joke). For example: “What do you mean by that?”, or, “Why did you think that was funny?” Asking people to explain further can be a helpful way to make visible the problematic elements of the microaggression.
Defend – if the microaggression is being directed towards someone, make their safety and wellbeing a priority. Follow their lead on how to deal with the situation and make them aware you are there to support.
To wrap up, here’s one of my favourite videos that highlights the harms of microaggressions in a fun and informative way.
