When the Holidays Aren't So “Merry and Bright” (Blog)
Introduction
Christmas is a season of many things, and society tells us there are certain "ways" that we have to celebrate Christmas. We give and receive lots of gifts; we decorate our homes with trees and lights; we eat and share lots of food; and we gather with family. There is also a lot of pressure to constantly be “merry and bright” — to set aside any negative emotions, feelings, or experiences in order to create the holiday spirit. But for many in the queer and trans community, the holidays aren't so merry and bright.
Grief
Grief is most commonly associated with death — that we grieve when loved ones (and sometimes complete strangers) die. And yes, grief can certainly manifest when someone dies - but grief can also manifest when there isn't death involved at all. Instead, grief can be present when someone experiences some sort of loss — this can be a breakup (either platonic or romantic), a rejection from family, a difficult anniversary, the mourning of what could have been, and much more.
Death
For those in the trans and queer community, grief is an all too common experience. QT people are more likely to experience “traditional” grief associated with death. Given the statistical reality that QT people are more likely to suffer from eating disorders (which have the highest mortality rate of any mental illness), addiction, and suicide — QT people are more likely to have experienced loss of loved ones from within the community.
Queer and trans people are at a greater risk of experiencing violence — which makes moments such as the Transgender Day of Remembrance all the more difficult. Additionally, hearing about hate crimes, deaths of those in our community (such as Brianna Ghey and Bekett Noble), and anti-queer legislation can contribute to the overall feeling of minority stress. For those who knew people that died during the AIDS crisis, the holidays can be particularly difficult as they remember the many lives lost due to institutional prejudice and inaction.
Minority Stress
This past year has been especially difficult as we are seeing increased rates of violence, a genocide directed towards trans individuals, and country-wide protests based in homophobia and transphobia. Far too many queer and trans lives have been taken due to homophobia, transphobia, trauma, and systemic discrimination. There is a severe lack of services for those who are left behind and navigating feelings of grief and loss. There is even less recognition of the impact that minority stress can have on our minds, hearts, and bodies — and what it can mean to grieve when we didn't know them personally, but they were still part of our community.
Family
Grief can also manifest in our relationships with families. While grief is more respected when someone has died, grief can also exist for family that are still living — but for whom the relationship has changed (often in negative ways).
Queer and trans folks (and indeed, many minoritized individuals) may have complicated relationships with their biological families. They may not be “out” — and thus feel as though they have to hide who they are in order to “fit in” to what their family expects of them. Or, they may be “out”, but may have experienced rejection in the process of coming out — everything from invalidation, to microaggressions, to being excluded, and even kicked out.
Complicated Conversations
QT people are often forced into the role of having to defend who we are at holiday gatherings. People are eager to share the latest “news” about the LGBTQ community (without considering that such news can actually be traumatizing), or to debate LGBTQ topics (without considering the significant emotional labour that this costs).
We are also expected to be the educators — to explain the latest terminology, to correct when someone uses the wrong pronouns, and to challenge microaggressions. A lot of these expectations are implicit — meaning they are not verbalized. However, we often feel guilty if we do not take on that role — leaving many queer and trans people (and our allies) to set aside our own feelings and boundaries in order to be advocates and educators.
Navigating Authenticity
Along the same lines — QT folks may be asked (directly or indirectly) to compromise our authenticity so as to “not upset” certain family members. This can include being criticized if we correct someone who misgenders us, being asked to dress or not dress in a certain way (even if that does not match who we are), and/or being instructed to avoid topics that are seen as “controversial” (which are often simply sharing the type of work we do). A particularly common experience is that QT folks may be discouraged from bringing (or even discussing) our partner(s).
If we do not compromise our authenticity, we may experience increased microaggressions, we may be invalidated, and may even be asked not to join the family gathering. We may feel as though compromising our authenticity is the only way we can participate in family gatherings — but in compromising our authenticity, we also feel as though we are betraying an integral part of ourselves. It's a complicated dynamic to try to balance — what we need for ourselves, versus what others expect of us.
Religion & Trauma
Similar to families, religion can also be a great source of harm - particularly during the holiday season. Christmas, while celebrated by many in society, is still rooted within Christianity — and most other holidays right now are related to other religions. Thus, family gatherings around this time of year may have a religious component more so than other typical family gatherings (birthdays, Mother's Day, Thanksgiving). This can leave non-religious people feeling excluded from certain holiday traditions.
Additionally, this time of year can activate both past/present spiritual trauma AND religious bigotry. For those who have experienced spiritual trauma, having religious messaging (through songs, advertisements, media, conversations with friends, etc.) constantly surrounding us can be extremely difficult as it can continually bring up negative emotions and painful memories. Meanwhile, religious bigots may weaponize particular texts to target those in the queer and trans community. This is especially common in families, where religious family members may act bigoted towards queer and trans folks, and justify it by claiming that “it's just the position of the church”, or “I'm just quoting the Bible!”. This can further the divide in families, result in exclusion of QT folks, and enhance spiritual trauma.
This is not to say that all religion is inherently bad — indeed, many QT folks (including myself) find great meaning in spiritual practices, and places of belonging in religious communities. And also — it is important to recognize how religion has been (and continues to be) used in harmful ways — and how this can particularly be manifested during the holidays.
Societal Expectations of Family
It can be easy to just tell someone “well, if your family is problematic, just don't go!”, but things are a lot more complicated than that. There remains a societal expectation that biological families should be prioritized — and inappropriate behaviour can be excused because “they're family!”. Moreover, there remains pressure to be the "bigger person" - to set aside our own feelings in order to maintain a “picture perfect” family.
In conversations about the holidays — with everyone from coworkers to peers, friends and even retail workers — people often ask about our plans for the holidays (with the underlying assumption of those plans involving family). This constant questioning and messaging can bring up the difficult feelings of exclusion and grief experienced by QT folks — along with the uncomfortable feeling of “do I really want to explain my complicated family situation AND have this person share their own thoughts and advice?”.
It is also important to consider that — outside of societal expectations around family, many queer and trans people still hold love and care for our biological families — even those who have caused harm. This can make these feelings of exclusion, invalidation, and rejection even harder to cope with. QT folks may be less trusting, and may struggle to find and connect with chosen family if they have experienced harm from their biological families.
Building Warm, Gentle, and Loving Holidays
I don't write this blog to make you feel guilty if the holidays are “merry and bright” for you. In fact, I am glad that they are, and that you are able to celebrate the holidays in ways that are meaningful.
I write this to shine a light on the ways that many people — especially queer and trans folks — can struggle during the holidays. While this is a season of joy and hope, it can also be a season of grief and loss, anger and frustration, and numbness. All of these things can exist simultaneously, and can manifest in different ways for different people.
I write this to encourage you to look out for one another — and for yourselves — and to hold space for all of the emotions that can come with the holidays. Below, I share some tips on how to build holiday traditions based in warmth, gentleness, and love.
For Queer & Trans Folks
If you are part of the queer and trans community, here are some of my favourite tips to make the holidays meaningful.
(1) Decorate things how YOU want. Screw what society tells us — if you want a black tree with skulls, go for it! A rainbow tree with no ornaments? Beautiful. A regular green tree covered with tons of rainbow tinsel and decorations? Sounds fabulous. No tree or decorations at all? Also completely valid.
(2) Make holiday traditions that are meaningful to you. Again, screw society expectations! You want tacos and/or mac'n'cheese for your holiday supper? Enjoy! Don't feel like getting together with anyone, and instead you want to sleep in, read a book, watch a show, play with your pets - sounds like fun!
(3) Find chosen family that you can celebrate with. This is perhaps the most important — and this doesn't mean joining their dinner or creating a new holiday tradition (though that can also be fun!). It can be as simple as video chatting with someone, doing a fun Secret Santa, going out for lunch or a nice treat — whatever feels enjoyable to you. And yes — the holidays are often busy for folks, but don't feel guilty about asking to spend time with your chosen family. When they care, they will make the time.
(4) If you are going to gather with people who are potentially problematic/have cause harm, set boundaries. Try to identify an ally who can help uphold your boundaries and provide support. Remember that you can step away from a party if you are feeling overwhelmed, or if you just need a moment to yourself. You have the right to leave if you feel unsafe or not affirmed, even (and especially) if this is family.
(5) Practice self care. Self care and boundaries are not selfish. They are acts of resistance to oppressive systems, and acts of radical self love for ourselves. Self care can look different for each person, and different strategies can work better for different situations. Find what works for you.
For Friends, Allies, Loved Ones, & Chosen Family
If you have a friend or a loved one who is part of the queer and trans community, or if you are just hoping to be a better ally during the holiday season, here are some tips for you.
(1) Be conscious of the type of language you are using in reference to the holidays. Rather than asking “Are you getting together with family?”, or “Are you looking forward to the holidays?”, consider a more open-ended and neutral question like: “Do you have any plans for the holidays?” Leave space for them to share what they feel comfortable with.
(2) Listen and validate. Too often, our instinct is to want to give advice. If someone shares something personal and/or challenging with you, resist that urge. Instead, listen attentively. Validate their feelings and experiences (you can literally say “that's completely valid”). And ask how you can support them - don't assume you know what they need.
(3) Be willing to be an ally "on call". This can look different in various situations - perhaps you are actually in person at this gathering, or perhaps you are providing support from a distance (either nearby, by phone, or by text). No matter how you are able to support, make it clear to your QT loved ones that you are there for them.
(4) Challenge microaggressions and harmful comments/behaviours - including misgendering! Even if it is uncomfortable to address it - do not let it slide. Far too often, the burden of calling out/in is placed on QT folks - help to lighten this by taking it on. Remember that even the smallest comment is related to the wider systems of cisnormativity and heteronormativity — and it is your responsibility to challenge this at the grassroots level. You aren't making the holiday dinner uncomfortable by calling them out/in — THEY did that by being inappropriate. You are simply choosing to be an advocate and not let this harmful behaviour slide. Do this REGARDLESS of whether or not you think a QT person is in the room.
(5) Include them in your holiday traditions. Some QT folks don't have the opportunity or capacity to gather with their biological families. Consider extending an invitation for them to join in some of your holiday traditions, or create your own new ones together (which can be as simple as going out for a nice treat or having them over for hot chocolate and a movie). Simply be there — and offer that space in ways that are meaningful for both/all of you.
Conclusion
The holidays can be many things. They are times of joy, hope, peace, and love. They are times of struggle, grief, heartache, anger, and loss. They are times of family, chosen and otherwise.
However you recognize the holidays, I hope you are able to find warmth and love from your chosen family. I hope you are able to be gentle with yourself in all of the emotions that can come with the holidays. I hope we are all able to build stronger communities together.
