An Open Letter to “Allies”
Allies – listen up.
Listening is one of the most critical skills that an ally can have. If you don’t listen, you risk going against what the community needs – or even further contributing to the harm they are experiencing.
I want to take a moment to share four stories with you, and discuss how listening played a critical role in either the ally’s failure, or success.
Story #1: National Conference on Equal Marriage
In 2019, I attended a national conference where there was a debate and vote on equal marriage that unfortunately did not go favourably. After the vote, many of us were struggling and just needed space to care for ourselves and our community. “Ally” decided that the best way to address the situation was to make a motion for the debate and vote to be re-done, even though we argued that that would be re-traumatizing. Meanwhile, “ally” demanded that my best friend and I be the ones to make a motion to make the voting records public (even though they would be released post-conference). When we declined to do so, the “ally” accused us of “abandoning” the queer community. When my friend and I went to the head of the conference to explain the situation, the head genuinely listened to us and made the decision not to allow “ally’s” motion to come forward. In response, “ally” took to Facebook and claimed that they were being “oppressed” and “silenced”. They was so desperate to be a saviour that they completely ignored our needs and requests.
Story #2: Post-Vandalism in City Council Run
When I ran for City Council last year, as an openly queer candidate who had rainbow signs and my pronouns on my literature, I faced a lot of homophobia and transphobia. This escalated into one of my signs being vandalized (which I found out through email). Initially, I was not going to publicly address the vandalism as: 1. I didn't want to be seen as looking for sympathy; 2. I did not want to give the bigots any attention, and; 3. I knew that greater visibility risks greater exposure to violence. However, another candidate decided that they had to “call it out” – they took to Facebook proclaiming that they “couldn't believe this was happening”, that there was “no space for hate”, the Windsor community is “better than this”, and so on. They also made sure to inform Facebook that they reached out to me personally (the message was literally along the lines of “sorry this happened, I called it out on Facebook”), which was not at all comforting or supportive as I was dealing with the backlash from the vandalism. Meanwhile, on Facebook, this candidate had tons of comments praising them for calling this out. This then put me in the position of having to publicly address what happened – which also resulted in me experiencing more online harassment. Again, they were so focused on being a saviour and getting “good ally” points, that they literally put me more at risk for violence.
Learning From Story #1 & #2
I also recognize that there have been times when we are eager for a quick-fix solution, and to give advice – however, this was not helpful in story #1, and actually further contributed to the trauma that we (queer members of the organization, especially representatives at the conference) were experiencing. I also can understand the desire to call out harmful incidents on Facebook when they happen (as in story #2), but it is important to directly consult with the individual(s) most impacted to ensure that whatever actions are taken are focused on their needs and safety, so as to reduce the possibility of further exposure to violence.
Story #3: Post-Hate Crime Support
After my old workplace (Trans Wellness Ontario, formerly WE Trans) was vandalized in a series of hate crimes, a good friend of mine reached out to me – both directly after the incident, after a few days, and after a week. They also made sure to keep checking in as further developments on the legal side of things happened. They simply asked if there was any way that they and/or the wider community could support me and/or the organization.
Story #4: A Petition for a Rainbow Crosswalk
My church, St. Paul's, recently joined a delegation that petitioned the Essex Town Council to install a rainbow crosswalk. They did not randomly wake up on a Tuesday and decide, “hey, Essex needs a rainbow crosswalk!”, they only did so after local activists from the queer community approached the church and asked for some support in petitioning the town council. The St. Paul's priest also spoke at town council (again, upon the request of local queer activists) in favour of the motion, as a way of challenging any bigots who would attempt to weaponize religion against the motion. This was a great example of ally/accomplice work, because St. Paul's followed the lead of queer activists and spoke up about an issue, while still highlighting the voices of those in the community and most impacted.
Learning from Story #3 & #4
St. Paul’s Church waited for the invitation to take part in petitioning for the rainbow crosswalk, rather than deciding by themselves that that was what was needed. Similarly, they asked how they could support – just as my friend did after the vandalism at Trans Wellness Ontario. I also greatly appreciated how my friend kept checking in in the subsequent days and weeks – I feel that many people immediately check in following the tragedy or traumatic event, and then they forget, even though the effects can be long-lasting. Thus, it is an important reminder to keep checking in on loved ones and providing that community care.
Want to learn about how to be a more effective ally? Join me for a workshop hosted through Rainbow Allyship.
