An Open Letter for Cishet Folks Who “Want to be Queer”
Back in early 2020, I wrote a Facebook post after a [cisgender heterosexual] friend stated that they “wanted to be queer” because “it’s the new cool thing”. So, I decided to re-interpret that post into an open letter, four years later.
“At least queer people get pride parades!”
Ah yes: we get a day to march down a busy street with our community, decked out in glorious rainbows and glitter. We get to blast music for the world to hear about how we were "born this way" (because let's face it, music written by and for queer artists is pretty awesome). Of course, you have to ignore the protestor(s) (there is always at least one) who hold the signs with harmful messaging, and who shout slurs in our faces. And you have to hope that the protestors don't get violent, because there's never a guarantee on who the police will protect.
“But queer people have a giant community of people who are like them! There's a ton of support groups, and centers, and resources!”
Yes, we have a giant community because we’ve had to create our own community. Many queer folks are kicked out of their former communities, and we struggle to find a place of acceptance where we can be authentically themselves. We often befriend other queer folk who become our “chosen family” to replace friends and family we may have lost in the process of coming out. We’ve had to build our own community from scratch, because other communities won't accept us for who we are. And yes, there are support groups and centers (depending on where you live) – but these are often very underfunded and under-resourced.
“At least there are a ton of celebrities who are now coming out! Representation!”
People feel more comfortable coming out now than in years prior because our society is (albeit slowly) evolving to understand the fluidity of sexuality and gender. And there is some representation of queer folks in mainstream media (usually conforms to massive stereotypes, but I’ll save that for my masters’ thesis). However, representation is still very limited – and almost always causes controversy. The first Frozen movie was called “a plot of the homosexual agenda” because Elsa didn't have a boyfriend by the end of it and her sexuality still remains unknown. Commercials featuring a queer couple were pulled off the air but eventually restored due to complaints. It is still a constant battle for representation within mainstream media – and when it does happen, it usually is not queer folks who are playing the roles.
“Yes, but you have gay villages and specific pride stuff that you can visit in other cities.”
Yes, but before planning to travel ANYWHERE, we have to check what the climate will be like for queer folks. There are multiple websites devoted solely to advising queer folks on safe and unsafe countries to visit. We sometimes have to choose between going on a dream vacation and staying in the closet, or being authentically ourselves and potentially being in danger. Not to mention that there are countries that do not recognize “X” as a legitimate gender in legal documentation.
“Okay, but queer couples are so cute!”
Thank you. That's true, we are cute. We also have a lot of experience in reading rooms and areas to know if we will be safe to hold hands, to act as a couple, or to kiss. We've had to ask if our partner(s) would be safe and welcome coming to family dinners and workplace functions. We have to navigate different levels of being “out” – where one partner may not be out to their family, and thus we cannot post anything on social media about our relationship.
“Okay, but things are getting better for queer folks, right?”
I genuinely wish that I could answer yes – but I cannot. We are continuing to see a rise in anti-queer and anti-trans hatred across the world, including here in Canada. Some have likened this to a genocide, particularly in how bigots are targeting trans youth. Pride symbols, flags, and events are under attack, protests against our rights are being held, and many trans and queer folks continue to die due to transphobia and homophobia. We have a lot of work to do.
Being queer is not all sunshine and rainbows (pun intended). Being queer means engaging in the hard work of protesting for our basic human rights, fighting against homophobia and transphobia, combating heteronormativity and cisnormativity, and trying to make our voice heard in a world that desperately tries to silence it. Being queer means caring for your chosen family after they experience a hate crime or assault; it means being up late talking someone out of suicide because they lost their best friend after coming out; it means offering your friend a place to stay after their parents kick them out. It means constantly having to evaluate situations and deciding how deep in the closet you need to be, or if you have a community who loves you for who you are. Being queer is having to question ourselves and our identity, and being questioned by other people to “justify” who we are. Being queer is having to be a walking 2SLGBTQIA+ dictionary, ready to educate, and being criticized if we don’t have the energy to do so.
And yes – I love being queer, and I wouldn’t change that for anything. It can also be incredibly exhausting. So the next time you think to yourself “I would love to be queer”, check your cisgender and/or heterosexual privilege. Listen to the voices of those in the community. And commit to the ongoing work of being an advocate, ally, and accomplice.
Want to learn about how to be a more effective advocate, ally, and/or accomplice? Join me for a workshop hosted through Rainbow Allyship.
