The Prevalence of Pronouns (Blog)
Introduction
When I first came out to my doctor back in 2017 using gender neutral pronouns, my doctor responded: “No problem – I hardly use pronouns anyways.” The doctor then proceeded to misgender me five times in the space of about one minute. This moment – among many other moments in the last seven years – has been a clear demonstration to me of how cisgender people don’t even think about the pronouns that they use.
Pronouns are an intrinsic part of our language: we automatically assign pronouns based on the gender we perceive someone to be (do they have long hair, or a deep voice) – this consistently happens when I walk into a store, restaurants, or cafe. This can be somewhat understandable in that these are complete strangers, so they would have no way of knowing my pronouns. Thus, misgendering can be almost expected whenever I’m out in public.
However, despite being “out” as trans for seven years (and using my pronouns, ney/nem, for four years), I still experience regular misgendering. This is not anyone’s fault necessarily; I know that many of the people who misgender me catch themselves, apologize, and practice. Mistakes are natural and are part of being human.
But I genuinely feel as though people have no idea how often they use pronouns or what pronouns they use. Thus, I decided to do a little study using myself as the subject – this blog is used to share the results of the study in an effort to help illustrate the prevalence of misgendering, and how we can each work to do better.
The Study & Results
Between May 1, 2024 and August 31, 2024, I used a notes app on my phone to make tallies for each time someone used gendered or gender neutral pronouns or language towards me or in reference about me (within my earshot). The main pronouns used were she/her, ney/nem, and they/them. I also split up the tracking into four different categories to recognize the different contexts in which pronouns may be used: this included family, friends, professional & academic, and strangers & in public.
The pie graph on the left shows that it was almost equal in times that people used she/her pronouns (42%) and ney/nem pronouns (43%) in reference to me; the remaining 15% represents they/them pronouns being used. Notably, since my pronouns are exclusively ney/nem, this means that I was misgendered 57% of the time.
In order to more thoroughly demonstrate the different pronouns used in various contexts, I split the analysis up based on the four categories. “Family” includes anyone I considered as chosen family (not necessarily biologically related). “Friends” includes people that I consider to be close friends and acquaintances. “Professional & Academic” included any interactions in courses, as part of my research, during professional development workshops, and at my various jobs. Finally, “Stranges & Public” included interactions I had in restaurants, cafes, in stores, on transit, and while walking or being “out and about”. This category also included interactions at Pride events, of which I attended eight events.
The graph on the right shows that with family, in professional & academic settings, and in public, she/her was the most dominant pronoun used. However, among friends, ney/nem was most frequently used and she/her was least used. Pronouns were generally not used in public settings.
In addition to looking at the different pronouns used, I also made note of other types of gendered language that was used – this included references to “woman”, “girl”, “person”, “dude”, “ma’am”, “sir”, and similar gendered or gender neutral language. The graph to the left shows that 84% of the language used was feminine, 9% was masculine, and 7% was neutral.
Something interesting that I noted is that when I was in queer village in Toronto, all people I interacted with used gender neutral language. Similarly, when I spent a week in Montreal, there were very few instances of gendered language being used (which could also be attributed to the language difference).
Reflections and Conclusion
Doing this self-study was interesting, but not particularly surprising. As a nonbinary person, I am consistently aware of the pronouns and language that people use, both in reference to me and about other people. When people use gender neutral language like “folks”, “siblings”, “people” – it gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling, because it shows that they have intentionally adjusted their language to be inclusive. When people use my actual pronouns, it feels as though I’m being offered a validating embrace, and that I’m seen as my true self. By contrast, when people use the wrong pronouns or gendered language, it feels uncomfortable, invalidating, and unsafe – because I am not being acknowledged for who I am. This is the impact that the language we use can make – we can encourage feelings of safety and love, or feelings of invalidation and lack of safety.
We all have a role to play in using inclusive language and doing the work to ensure we are using the correct pronouns for each person. There are simple ways we can adapt our language to become gender neutral, and ways that we can address misgendering and mistakes in a way that validate the person. I discuss this briefly in my blog, Ney/Nem Pronouns and Inclusive Language, and more extensively in my book, A Pocket Guide to Pronouns. I encourage you to utilize these resources (and other resources) to learn more and work to expand your own language to honour and celebrate each person.
